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One person talks; the other listens. It's so basic that we take it for granted. Unfortunately, most of us think of ourselves as better listeners than we actually are. Why do we so often fail to connect when speaking with family members, romantic partners, colleagues, or friends? How do emotional reactions get in the way of real communication? This thoughtful, witty, and empathic book has already helped over 125,000 readers break through conflicts and transform their personal and professional relationships. Experienced therapist Mike Nichols provides vivid examples, easy-to-learn techniques, and practical exercises for becoming a better listener--and making yourself heard and understood, even in difficult situations.
- Sales Rank: #21060 in Books
- Brand: Nichols, Michael P.
- Published on: 2009-02-16
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 9.09" h x .83" w x 6.06" l, .89 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 314 pages
Review
"This book is worthy of reading and rereading, if only to remind yourself of its simple message to stop what you're doing and listen to the important people in your life. It has spoken to me at different times, helping me to improve relationships with my spouse, child, and friends."--Doug O., Walnut Creek, California�"Lily Tomlin once advised that we 'listen with an intensity that most people save for talking.' The Lost Art of Listening tells us how. This is a very special book that distills years of clinical wisdom into practical advice about improving our most important relationships and, ultimately, who we are. Through the lens of the importance to us all of being heard, Dr. Nichols tells us how genuine listening can prevent broken connections and dried up relationships. Following his own advice, he presents clear, familiar, and relevant examples of real-life family problems and frustrations, in a way that leaves us open to accepting and using his messages. He stresses the need to avoid letting anger, anxiety, and fear of being hurt impede our ability to listen, and tells stories that show us how to manage everything from criticism to reticence and intrusiveness. Simultaneously, he provides clues for improving self esteem and decreasing emotional reactivity. This is more than a good book; it is a vital manual for any of us who would either like to feel good about our relationships or avoid dying before the end of our lives."--Carol M. Anderson, MSW, PhD, Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania�"A beautifully written, articulate guide to listening, this book is an antidote to the sense of diminishment experienced by so many as our culture short-circuits our need for interchange with others. Using personal stories from his life and the lives of patients, Dr. Nichols offers clarification of the listening process between friends, with family, in work situations, and in intimate relationships. The Lost Art of Listening is a pleasure to read and a valuable tool for therapists."--Marion F. Solomon, PhD, author of Narcissism and Intimacy
"Dr. Nichols writes as if he is speaking directly to us--and he speaks in a way that makes us not only able, but eager, to listen. What happens between him and his readers embodies key elements of what he wants us to learn about listening. Along the way, we learn about much more."--Thelma Jean Goodrich, PhD, Family Institute of Westchester
"I use this book in teaching first-semester graduate students counseling micro-skills. The students endorse it as the best of the texts I use. The Lost Art of Listening uses pragmatic examples from real life to illustrate active listening. This approach makes the material come alive for students who are just learning active listening, and is a great refresher for those who are already familiar with it. In addition, I often recommend the book to couples I see in my private practice."--Iverson M. Eicken, PhD, Adjunct Instructor, Department of Counseling, California State University, Fullerton"What is true listening and why, the author asks, has it become a near-rarity in modern life? Nichols shows how to utilize this [art] to improve and repair relationships with spouses, lovers, relatives, children, friends, and colleagues, and even how to boost one's own 'listenability.' He also explains what listening isn't, explaining why people don't listen and listing obstacles to listening (especially defensiveness owing to emotional overreaction). Humor, true life examples and simple exercises make this a practical and even entertaining self-help guide." (Publishers Weekly 2009-02-18)
"Powerful and informative." (Contemporary Psychology 2009-02-18)
"I think readers from every walk of lifelay readers and mental health professionals alikewill find something to like here, something that really will turn on a lightbulb or two, something that can help us all get along a bit better and listen a bit more artfully." (counsellingresource.com 2012-06-02)
About the Author
Michael P. Nichols, PhD, Professor of Psychology at the College of William and Mary, is the author of Stop Arguing with Your Kids, among numerous other books. He is a well-known therapist and a popular speaker.
Most helpful customer reviews
7 of 7 people found the following review helpful.
Listening Made Simple and Better for Even the Most Accomplished Listener
By Rev. Dr. William Randolph
all time best book on Listening. It begins with Listening theory and the psychology of why we fail to listening completely and wholeheartedly. It has practical strategies for developing one's own listening skills. Reading it alone will improve a person's ability to listen in a variety of settings but studying this book will not only improve one's skills but one's relationships. The genius of this book is that it uses antidotes to help the reader see their own listening mistakes and limitations, in a very non threatening manner, which provides a baseline for improvement for even the most accomplished listener.
11 of 11 people found the following review helpful.
The Lost Art of Listening Will Show You the Importance of Listening
By Tori
Are you a bad listener? Cause I am. Or, at least I was before reading this book. Although it may not be a cure-all, it has helped me to be more aware of my thoughts while someone is speaking to me. Instead of normally wandering from one thought to the next, I now make a conscious effort to truly listen, which Dr. Nichols brings to light in his book; The Lost Art of Listening. While this book has helped me, I also have a few criticisms I must share.
After reading through the other reviews for this book, I am surprised by how many thought the examples were so clear. While I can concur to some degree, I thought the examples were sudden and unexpected. In one paragraph he would be talking about an important aspect in listening, and in the next you find yourself in the middle of an example with no direction or forewarning. However, once I re-oriented myself and read through the example, I found it to be helpful in applying the meaning of what Dr. Nichols was trying to get across to my life.
As a current student majoring in Communication, I have learned a thing or two about communication styles and the reasons why people react differently to certain words or phrases than others. One of these reasons is “trigger words,” which are words than incite a positive or negative reaction in someone. I have learned that one of my negative trigger words is that word people tend to call women which also happens to be another name for a female dog. I do not appreciate Dr. Nichols using this word so frequently, even for examples sake. It does not seem completely necessary to get the point across.
Despite these criticisms, there were a few points in his book I really appreciated him adding, for example, his few pages on the differences between how society thinks men are supposed to listen vs. how women are supposed to listen; men give advice, women sympathize, etc. He made sure to say how important it is to listen without these pre-supposed ideas in mind and he asked the right questions, and for that I want to say a big Thank You!
Overall, The Lost Art of Listening is an honest book that has helped me see how I listen, why I listen the way I do, and how I can improve the way I listen for future interactions.
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful.
Whenever I have pains I find it best to use XX drug which really relieves all my ...
By David
Learning to truly listen is a lost art. Often we quickly access the assumed content of what someone is saying and begin the process of forming our answer. Unfortunately we stop listening when we are busy with our own line of thought.
Example:
Speaker: I have been hurting this past week....
Listener: Whenever I have pains I find it best to use XX drug which really relieves all my pains.
The speaker in this instance was referring to an emotional pain from the loss of a loved one which has nothing to do with medication to relieve the symptoms. The speaker just needed someone to LISTEN and be present, but the listener failed.
This book will give great insights to how to be a better listener in many given situations.
Often the best response from the listener is SILENCE.
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